.....when the risk to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom (Anias Nin). I started a new job today. I hate change. My old job was reeeaaallll laid back and required little of me- little time, little effort, little responsbility. This new venture is staunch and has to have my full attention.In this venture, I have to be responsible. Irresponsibility on my part could mean life or death of a defenseless child. Ok, I'll eat those words, I don't hate change, I dislike doing something different, especially is it allows my weaknesses (in which I have many) to show.
I said from the start of this journey that I wanted to learn more about me.Up until this past week, I was employed as a Substance Abuse Counselor. In treatment,one of the main goals for the client was to do a self-evaluation. I think I have to do that. I'll be 34 soon. It's time to let the real me shyne. Just now, I'm willing to admit that I truly have two parts: What people see in me and what I allow them to see.
When I'm calm, I control my speech. I work real hard to stay calm. I know my limits and am honest about my feelings ((mmmmm, do I really wanna say honest?....I monitor my conversation)). But please, please, what-in-so-ever-you-do, don't let me get mad. I lose the ability to bullshyt around...sparing feelings are not an option. I think in the mental health realm, they call that inability to manage anger. If there was one thing I could change about me....that'd be it.
Family, I'm still a work in progress....so, let the progress begin.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
My life could always be worst.....
Last night, a young friend came by to visit, said he wanted a change of scenery. Seems like his life is falling apart around his ankles and he doesn't know what to do. As the story goes, he has been bounced among family memebers since he was 14. His mom died and he was left to go to whomever would take him in. Now, being a 24 year old man, he hasn't realized that it's time to 'man-up' and take care of his damn self!
He moved in with his brother, under the stipulation that he buys his own food and put gas in the car when he uses it. Between the lies that he shoots me, I gathered that much. He won't work this job, because 'they ain't paying enuff'. He won't work that job because, 'the hours ain't right". His brother is threatening to put him out. So, instead of facing his financial woes and finding any job like the rest of the grown folk, he had this big idea....."Imma rob somebody just to get caught so I can go to jail. At least I'll get to eat and have a place to sleep." WTF?!?!
I've been so broke that my kids had to play with their imaginations. I've written post-dated checks to feed my family (before Walmart perfected check debit). I've frequented the cash-until-payday so often that they knew me by name. But the only robbery I've commited was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I tried to explain to him...this life is about making deals. As grown folk, you gotta do what it takes to survive. Robbing Joan Q. Public just to go to jail is dumb. I know my shyt is fucked up....but it could always be worst.
He moved in with his brother, under the stipulation that he buys his own food and put gas in the car when he uses it. Between the lies that he shoots me, I gathered that much. He won't work this job, because 'they ain't paying enuff'. He won't work that job because, 'the hours ain't right". His brother is threatening to put him out. So, instead of facing his financial woes and finding any job like the rest of the grown folk, he had this big idea....."Imma rob somebody just to get caught so I can go to jail. At least I'll get to eat and have a place to sleep." WTF?!?!
I've been so broke that my kids had to play with their imaginations. I've written post-dated checks to feed my family (before Walmart perfected check debit). I've frequented the cash-until-payday so often that they knew me by name. But the only robbery I've commited was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I tried to explain to him...this life is about making deals. As grown folk, you gotta do what it takes to survive. Robbing Joan Q. Public just to go to jail is dumb. I know my shyt is fucked up....but it could always be worst.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The makings of ME: part 1
I'm scared....of failure, of success, of being lonely, of being poor, of rats, of dead dogs, of change. Because I know who I am and where I am in life, I am not afraid to talk about my weak areas.
In the past few months, I have had the opportunity to spend time with men who saw what they considered 'flaws' in my character. While, I will agree that I come off as being bossy, if you only knew the story behind my life, you'd probably understand. I have to take offense to being called mean, self-centered and aggressive. If you really knew me, you'd definitely realized that I am one of the best women on this earth. I hate that I have to explain myself but, it has become necessary that I do so. Obviously, I come off in a negative light because I have heard negative comments from men regarding my attitude/ outlook.
So for the 1st time, anywhere, EVER, I am going to give you the makings of me.
Birth to age 15: In the beginning
I was born on June 18, 1973, in Montgomery. I am the 2nd of 3 daughters born to Curtis and Deborah. My father was Vietnam vet, schizophrenic and an alcoholic. My mother worked various jobs and later became a practicing drug addict. My parents separated when I was 14. Before that time, I lived in a home where we all were scared of my dad- between drunk cycles and mood swings, we never knew who we were dealing with.
Growing up, I always had the 'middle child' syndrome- not as smart as ____, not as skinny as ____, not as cute as ____. I knew that my parents loved me but now I know that I didn't love myself. I have a lot of friends but none too special. I was always the funny one who made them laugh, I knew all the biz. Even then, I was a chameleon- I changed to fit the situation. I had sex for the 1st time at age 13....his name was LJ....I lied and told him that I was 14 so he'd like me. Funny, I did that a lot....fucked so I could feel liked. Wow.
When I was 14, I met Mike. He was a 19 year old man who made me feel good. My mom approved of me being 'friends' with him....later, I found out that he started selling weed to her. He protected me and taught me a lot. Still today, I can't think of a man that I loved more. Mike is the basis for what I look for. One time he told me, "If a man don't make you feel like this when you with him, he ain't for you." He promised to always take care of me (and in a sense, he did). Don't think I've ever felt safe again. Mike and I lasted a year and then, my dad found out about us. He ended our friendship after my dad told him he was going to have him arrested for statutory rape. We remained friends and moved on. Mike mailed me a card telling me when I got older, we would be together again. That never happened, he was murdered 6 years later.....
And then came Keith....a do nothing nigga from the start....he's the father of my 1st daughter. He had the nerve to beef with Mike over my daughter because Mike took care of her financially. Still today, he won't acknowledge her as being his child......But, that's another post... I had my daughter at age 15. I soon got a full-time job and went to school half the day. Even though I had the responsibility of having a child, I was still a kid and did kid things. Life was good, until William came in.....
16-21: In the middle
William was my mom's boyfriend. He was a lazy SOB. Had my mom's head in the clouds. During this time, her drug use picked up and she wasted a lot of the money that she made plus our child support. Shit was always being turned off and we couldn't keep a car. We moved all the time. So by now, we (my mom, my 2 sisters -19 &12, me and my daughter) were living in a 2 bedroom apt. One night he made the PSA that me and my older sister (age 19) were too old to be living at home. So my mom relayed that message to us (along with her own personal message that she never wanted me and my older sister in the 1st place)and basically told us to bounce. So, I called my dad and moved with he and my step mom to Charleston, SC. That was January 1991. My senior year.
Once I arrived in SC, things were good. My dad had his drinking under control and he and my step mom had money (funny how that happens when your kids are gone). I enrolled in school there and didn't have to work. Because Alabama's graduation requirements were so far behind South Carolina's, I had to go to school- and summer school- day and night. But not to worry, I DID graduate. During that time, I met Maceo.
Mace was a funny guy. He loved me as much as a 18 year old boy could love a 17 year old girl. I enrolled in a Jr. college in the city. Soon, my dad was transferred to Boston. I had a choice, move to Boston or return to Alabama....I chose Alabama- it was all I knew. Mace traveled 9 hours to visit me every other month and I went there over the summer. I got pregnant with our daughter in December 1991. We talked about getting married but he was never ready...always needed to get himself together.....up until 2006, he was still talking about getting himself together. Mace has a massive brain stem stroke on September 14, 2006. It was our daughter's 14th birthday. He died on September 19, 2006. He was 35.
Mace and I broke up in 1993. I hooked back up with an old high school friend, Marion. He was one of those guys that you would have never envisioned with me- he was quiet and smart. I was loud and wild. Together, we had a son. Marion and I were together for 2 years. During those years, I did most of my growing up. Our relationship was.....busy. We fought and loved, loved and fought. Finally, he called one day (Easter 1996) saying that he was about to make a life changing decision....I thought he was gonna say that he was gay because he did possess some feminine ways....He was getting MARRIED!!!!! to some 19 year old chick that he got pregnant...UNBELIEVABLE!!!. I was devastated....I was distraught....I was blown. Hell, we were still fuckin....too much happened after that one but, we'll touch on that one later....I gotta get back to work.
Shyne
In the past few months, I have had the opportunity to spend time with men who saw what they considered 'flaws' in my character. While, I will agree that I come off as being bossy, if you only knew the story behind my life, you'd probably understand. I have to take offense to being called mean, self-centered and aggressive. If you really knew me, you'd definitely realized that I am one of the best women on this earth. I hate that I have to explain myself but, it has become necessary that I do so. Obviously, I come off in a negative light because I have heard negative comments from men regarding my attitude/ outlook.
So for the 1st time, anywhere, EVER, I am going to give you the makings of me.
Birth to age 15: In the beginning
I was born on June 18, 1973, in Montgomery. I am the 2nd of 3 daughters born to Curtis and Deborah. My father was Vietnam vet, schizophrenic and an alcoholic. My mother worked various jobs and later became a practicing drug addict. My parents separated when I was 14. Before that time, I lived in a home where we all were scared of my dad- between drunk cycles and mood swings, we never knew who we were dealing with.
Growing up, I always had the 'middle child' syndrome- not as smart as ____, not as skinny as ____, not as cute as ____. I knew that my parents loved me but now I know that I didn't love myself. I have a lot of friends but none too special. I was always the funny one who made them laugh, I knew all the biz. Even then, I was a chameleon- I changed to fit the situation. I had sex for the 1st time at age 13....his name was LJ....I lied and told him that I was 14 so he'd like me. Funny, I did that a lot....fucked so I could feel liked. Wow.
When I was 14, I met Mike. He was a 19 year old man who made me feel good. My mom approved of me being 'friends' with him....later, I found out that he started selling weed to her. He protected me and taught me a lot. Still today, I can't think of a man that I loved more. Mike is the basis for what I look for. One time he told me, "If a man don't make you feel like this when you with him, he ain't for you." He promised to always take care of me (and in a sense, he did). Don't think I've ever felt safe again. Mike and I lasted a year and then, my dad found out about us. He ended our friendship after my dad told him he was going to have him arrested for statutory rape. We remained friends and moved on. Mike mailed me a card telling me when I got older, we would be together again. That never happened, he was murdered 6 years later.....
And then came Keith....a do nothing nigga from the start....he's the father of my 1st daughter. He had the nerve to beef with Mike over my daughter because Mike took care of her financially. Still today, he won't acknowledge her as being his child......But, that's another post... I had my daughter at age 15. I soon got a full-time job and went to school half the day. Even though I had the responsibility of having a child, I was still a kid and did kid things. Life was good, until William came in.....
16-21: In the middle
William was my mom's boyfriend. He was a lazy SOB. Had my mom's head in the clouds. During this time, her drug use picked up and she wasted a lot of the money that she made plus our child support. Shit was always being turned off and we couldn't keep a car. We moved all the time. So by now, we (my mom, my 2 sisters -19 &12, me and my daughter) were living in a 2 bedroom apt. One night he made the PSA that me and my older sister (age 19) were too old to be living at home. So my mom relayed that message to us (along with her own personal message that she never wanted me and my older sister in the 1st place)and basically told us to bounce. So, I called my dad and moved with he and my step mom to Charleston, SC. That was January 1991. My senior year.
Once I arrived in SC, things were good. My dad had his drinking under control and he and my step mom had money (funny how that happens when your kids are gone). I enrolled in school there and didn't have to work. Because Alabama's graduation requirements were so far behind South Carolina's, I had to go to school- and summer school- day and night. But not to worry, I DID graduate. During that time, I met Maceo.
Mace was a funny guy. He loved me as much as a 18 year old boy could love a 17 year old girl. I enrolled in a Jr. college in the city. Soon, my dad was transferred to Boston. I had a choice, move to Boston or return to Alabama....I chose Alabama- it was all I knew. Mace traveled 9 hours to visit me every other month and I went there over the summer. I got pregnant with our daughter in December 1991. We talked about getting married but he was never ready...always needed to get himself together.....up until 2006, he was still talking about getting himself together. Mace has a massive brain stem stroke on September 14, 2006. It was our daughter's 14th birthday. He died on September 19, 2006. He was 35.
Mace and I broke up in 1993. I hooked back up with an old high school friend, Marion. He was one of those guys that you would have never envisioned with me- he was quiet and smart. I was loud and wild. Together, we had a son. Marion and I were together for 2 years. During those years, I did most of my growing up. Our relationship was.....busy. We fought and loved, loved and fought. Finally, he called one day (Easter 1996) saying that he was about to make a life changing decision....I thought he was gonna say that he was gay because he did possess some feminine ways....He was getting MARRIED!!!!! to some 19 year old chick that he got pregnant...UNBELIEVABLE!!!. I was devastated....I was distraught....I was blown. Hell, we were still fuckin....too much happened after that one but, we'll touch on that one later....I gotta get back to work.
Shyne
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Why blog?
I was reading a friend's blog and thought this was a great way to vent. Being a Counselor by trade, sometimes, I just need to be heard. At this point in my life I consider that I am doing well. I have 3 children and a career that is moving along. I own my own home and 2 cars. I have a few friends, though none I would consider 'quality' friends- but I'll come back to that at a later date. By my definition, I am unattached- I don't have a permanent male companion but, I do date. Single does not accurately describe me. I come with a lot of 'stuff'. By 'stuff' I don't mean baggage, I mean thoughts. As you read this, you'll get a clearer picture of who I really am. I know, I'm rambling....I'm just so happy to have started this thing. Finally, my own e-diary. A place where you, my new extended e-family can help me to grow. I'm looking forward to this journey....
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